Truly, Madly, Deeply Page 11

  "Please say something." Her voice was soft and trembling, a look of entreaty in her angelic blue eyes.

  But it was all a fucking lie.

  All these years she had lied to him.

  Him, a fucking Nobel Prize winner, a goddamn genius, and this child of nineteen had managed to pull the wool over his fucking eyes.

  "Please, Matthijs."

  She went down on her knees, and when he saw her trying to reach for his hands, he reacted instinctively and pulled away with a jerk. A look of hurt flitted over her face, and that she had the fucking gall to feel that way, after what she had done...

  He left the couch and stalked towards the door. "You should go." His voice was cold and tight, and his gaze never strayed back to her as he yanked his front door open. He had a feeling if she dared do the same thing again and act like she was the victim---

  He heard her footsteps but didn't bother to turn. He felt her stand beside him, and the urge to strangle her got so fucking bad he had to shove his hands into his pockets.

  "I know what I did was wrong..."

  Was she fucking kidding? Wrong was if temptation got the better of you and you flirted black with someone who wanted you. Wrong was if you were so damn stressed at work you ended up lashing out at your partner. Wrong was forgivable.

  But what she did---

  "Can't we be adults---"

  FUCK.

  Rage had him spinning around so fast, it had her stumbling back and losing her balance. She cried his name out as she fell, but the sound only made his skin crawl.

  "Matthijs!"

  He stared at her crumpled form on the ground, but the sight only fanned the flames of his rage and turned it into hatred. "You goddamn knew." He had never shouted at her. Not in all the years they had known each other. But now, he wished he could fucking do more, wished his words could make her bleed. "You goddamn knew---"

  She started to cry, but when it used to be that the first sight of tears would have him caving in to whatever she wanted, it was no longer the same. Now that he knew, now that he was no longer blind, her tears no longer seemed real or pure. This time, her tears only made him want to fucking kill her.

  Kill her like she had killed him.

  "Goddamn you!"

  "Matthijs---"

  "You goddamn knew what could happen, and you still let me fuck you!"

  She started crawling towards him. "Please---" She tried to reach for him again, but he slapped her hands away. "Don't you fucking touch me---"

  He saw her whiten at his words, but he no longer gave a damn. "You make me sick," he hissed. "The sight of you makes me fucking sick. Just knowing we're breathing the same fucking air---"

  "Please, M-Matthijs---"

  "Don't ever show your face to me again. That's the only warning you'll ever get, and if you're stupid enough to think I don't mean it..." His jaw clenched. "Then it would be my turn to ruin your life."

  She had caused him so much fucking pain. Had single-handedly and permanently turned his life into a living hell. She had, in one fell swoop, ruined his every chance for happiness.

  And yet...

  He could not stop himself from remembering the times that it had been good between them.

  Because they had been that.

  Good.

  Damn good, actually.

  He had been her date to the prom. The big brother she had run to when she needed a shoulder to cry on. He had been her first love, and she was probably going to be his last.

  This girl he had once imagined spending the rest of his life with.

  This girl whose firsts were all with him.

  This girl who, at the mere age of thirteen, had already declared he was going to lose his heart to her one day.

  'Go ahead, laugh,' she had grumbled. 'But mark my words, Matthijs de Graaf. There will be a time when I'll be the one laughing. Because one day, you'll fall in love with me."

  And he had.

  "You'll love me so much that you'll want to marry me."

  And he had.

  "And when that day comes, you'll even do that stupid thing you hate." And at his frown, she had said laughingly,

  "I asked you once, remember? What you're willing to do for a girl, and you said---"

  The truth had hit him then, and he had grinned as he finished her sentence for her. 'I won't give her flowers because it's out of date, and it would make me feel like a troll trying to pass itself off as a knight.'

  'Exactly,' she had said cheerfully.

  'Over my dead body,' he had said just as cheerfully.

  'Don't you underestimate me. I have my ways, and you mark my words. It will happen.'

  And so he had.

  His eyes closed, and as his knees slowly fell to the ground, so did his tears. It washed away what little there was of his hatred that remained, washed everything out until all that was left was emptiness.

  I'm sorry I listened to you too late. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry.

  Her

  You & Me Against The World by Marissa Sanchez

  Diana could not stop crying.

  She hated herself for it. For being so damn weak. For doing exactly what the professor had no doubt expected her to do.

  I'm sorry, Professor. I'm so sorry.

  He had asked to see her, and when he had come, one look at her appeared to have been enough, and he had said hoarsely, I'll tell you everything. And then after that, it's all up to you.

  At that time, one look had been enough for her as well. One look at his ashen face, and she had known she had somehow hurt him. She had known, but she hadn't been able to do a thing. Had been such a mess that all she could do was listen in numb silence as the truth came pouring out.

  The woman she had met at the restaurant?

  She was his mistress alright, and an extremely well-paid one at that, for Laverne knew of his sickness and the risks came with it.

  The last time I had been with her was eight months ago, and I hadn't even spoken to her until that night.

  And as for that other girl from his past...

  A childhood friend who had been born with HIV, and he had loved her from the very start. Enough to give her his ring. Enough to trust her completely. And he had paid for it with his life.

  She remembered how his voice had faltered at admitting this, and GOD OH GOD she hadn't been able to do anything.

  A stronger woman would have stopped him from talking. Would have wrapped her arms around him and told him that none of it changed anything. Would have done anything except sit there like an idiot.

  I'm so sorry.

  When it was him that his pain should have rendered helpless, it was her that had become immobile with shock. She had been so damn weak that it had forced him to become strong for her---

  I'm so sorry.

  She remembered the unusual clumsiness he had displayed as he moved towards the door, and the tears fell harder and faster. She remembered the stiffness in his voice as he spoke his last words---

  I'm sorry for deceiving you. I know it's a lot to process, and having me around is just going to make things harder.

  He hadn't even given her a chance to say anything back. Had probably known that if he did, she would only have ended up saying something they would both regret, do something that would make the truth irrefutable, and the truth was that she was WEAK.

  I'm so sorry.

  Diana tucked her knees under her chin, hugging them tighter to her chest, but it did nothing to ease the coldness spreading inside of her, and over and over she couldn't stop sobbing the words in her mind.

  I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

  She had the craziest urge to punish herself for her weakness, to knock her head back repeatedly against the wall behind her until her skull was crushed. She just had this crazy, crazy urge to cause herself pain, the way she had hurt him.

  Maybe Esther was right, she thought dully. Maybe she really was nothing but a stupid, cowardly fool, and she was better off having someone
else control her life.

  Maybe...maybe that way, she wouldn't end up failing the people who trusted her to be strong.

  God, help me.

  Please.

  I'm begging You.

  Please.

  Help me.

  Please.

  I need You.

  Her

  Don't Worry, Baby by Rachel Fannan

  Diana took her time walking.

  Miami was just as sunny as she remembered it, a city she had enjoyed very much but had never quite felt like home. And it had been the same with Athens, Diana thought absently. Even with all the years she had spent in Greece's capital, her soul had always felt lost and unsettled, and it was only when she realized her purpose that everything had clicked.

  Home was where she could be of most help, and for some time, that had been what Helder Meer was to her.

  Now...things had somehow changed.

  A helpless smile broke over her lips when she saw the staff all lined up in front of Damen's building, half of them reception while the other half was security.

  A man stepped up as soon as she reached the foot of the steps, bowing deferentially as he greeted her. "Good afternoon, Ms. Leventis. Your brother's expecting you."

  Her smile widened into a grin. "Of course he is." And it was just as she expected. "Did he have to cancel any meetings to make it back here?"

  "Aaaaah..."

  "I'll take that as a yes," Diana concluded ruefully. "Anyway, thanks for the, err, grand welcome, and I'll see myself up."

  A worried expression flitted over the man's face. "We were instructed to escort you---"

  She shook her head at the offer, saying, "It's fine. I can handle going up the elevator on my own, I promise." And because this was something she had done for ages, she beat a hasty retreat after her words, leaving them no chance to make their case.

  Damen was already waiting for her when she made it to the penthouse floor, hands clasped behind his back. Tall, dark, and handsome, he was one of the richest men in the world, and - if his rivals were to be believed - he was said to be one of the most ruthless as well.

  Whether that was true or not, however, didn't really matter.

  For Diana, he was just Damen, the big brother who had always cherished and protected her.

  And right now, Diana thought with a gulp, she needed him more than ever.

  Clearing her throat, she tested a tentative smile at him, saying simply, "Hey."

  His handsome face immediately softened, and she breathed a sigh of relief as his arms opened. She ran straight to her brother's embrace, and her eyes closed as his hard arms closed around her. Damen always made her feel safe, and no matter how old she got, she didn't think that would ever change.

  "So..." It had been minutes since Diana had arrived at his office, and Damen had given her as much time as he could to settle down, having seen the wan expression on her face.

  "I know you're not surprised that I've come," Diana blurted out.

  "Your security saw it fit to inform me as soon as you booked your flight, yes."

  "And because I've come here instead of your home..."

  "It's something you'd rather Mairi doesn't know about."

  Diana gave him a small nod.

  "You know you can tell me anything," Damen said gently.

  "I know." Her voice was subdued. "It's just hard."

  And so it was, Damen thought, seeing the way his sister had started wringing her hands on her lap. It wasn't like Diana at all to show her anxiety; with a mother like Esther, who delighted in exploiting people's weaknesses, both of them had learned early on to use their composure as a shield.

  Gazing at her contemplatively, he decided it was time to give Diana a little nudge, just to see if it would be enough to have her open up. "How are your studies?"

  When he saw Diana visibly relax at his words, he knew that he had done the right thing, just as he knew that school was not why she had come running home.

  "I'm doing a lot better than I personally expected," Diana admitted. "Better than anyone would probably expect, considering my reasons for going there."

  "You went there because it was what you felt you needed to do." Damen's voice was firm. "I see nothing wrong with that."

  Diana wrinkled her nose, thinking she should've expected it of Damen to not see how eccentric her choices had been. "Honestly, I'm just glad you didn't laugh at me when I told you a Netflix show gave me purpose. Not all big brothers would have been open-minded as you."

  "That's because not all little sisters are saints like mine." The words would've normally made her laugh, but instead a stricken look crossed her face.

  "I'm not..." Her voice faltered. "I'm not a saint."

  "Diana..." He stopped speaking when she shook her head, and when he noticed how her fingers had started digging into her palms, his chest clenched with the urge to protect her. She was and would always be his little sister, and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her.

  "Talk to me."

  "I don't know how to start."

  "Then...is it about de Graaf?"

  Her head shot up.

  "You didn't think I wouldn't have my people check him out, did you?"

  Her heart slammed against her chest. "A-And?"

  Diana's tone perplexed him. "He checked out, of course." But far from assuring her, the words seemed to make her uneasy. It was almost as if she was expecting him to forbid her from seeing the man, which of course didn't make any sense at all.

  "What's wrong?" Damen asked bluntly. He didn't think he couldn't have chosen any better than Matthijs de Graaf. The man was worth hundreds of millions, a Nobel Prize winner, and the decent sort all around. The only thing the professor had against him was the fact that de Graaf had yet to break things off with his long-term mistress. But since Damen's sources had ascertained it had been months since the professor had sex with the other woman, Damen was willing to overlook it...for now.

  "I think...I'm in love with him."

  "I suspected as much." But when this didn't ease her tension, he asked, "Are you worried that you can't make him love you back? Is that what this whole thing's about?" Diana slowly shook her head, and his puzzlement grew. "You need to be more specific if you want me to help---"

  Taking a deep breath, she cut him off, saying in a rush, "I came here because I thought I needed to let you know that by loving him...if you c-can't accept him...I can't leave him...I might have to say g-goodbye---" Her voice broke.

  Damen stiffened. "What the hell are you saying?"

  "D-Damen." And her voice caught once more.

  "Diana, dammit, you're worrying me---"

  "He has HIV."

  Damen went white.

  And suddenly, she could no longer stop talking, the words tumbling out one after another even as her tears started to fall. Crying was all she seemed to do lately, but even as she hated herself for it, she just couldn't stop.

  I didn't know at the start, and he kept trying to push me away because of it.

  He's never touched me, and I wondered about it before, but now I know why.

  I don't want to put any of you at risk, and that's why I wanted to tell you first.

  Because I know you can make the tough decisions.

  Tell me to stay away so that Mairi and Nala are safe.

  Diana's words hit him like one blow after another, and all he could do was take every fucking thing in numb silence. A part of him was still in denial, wanting to rage against the fates. He was sorry - of course he was damn sorry that life had turned out the way it had for de Graaf, but couldn't any other woman fall in love with him? Couldn't it be anyone else but Diana?

  Now, he understood why Diana had been looking at him the way she had been doing so all this time. From the very start, she had come here, prepared for him to cut ties with her, and she would have accepted it. Maybe she had expected it even. God knew, the way Esther had brought her up, Diana had foolishly come to believe that she would never be worthy
of people's love.

  When she finally finished talking, he could only look at her for one long moment, wondering how it was that he had missed it. Sometime between the past and the present, Diana had grown from being the little girl he knew and turned into the woman she was now.

  Someone who loved like he did, loved so damn fiercely that she had the strength and courage to throw everything away, just to be with the man she had entrusted her heart with.

  Looking at her, he said quietly, "I don't think you came here to ask for my permission for anything."

  Diana couldn't stop crying, couldn't do anything but just look at him and wish...oh God, she wished...she wished...

  "Because it seems to me that you've already made up your mind."

  The tears fell faster, and her heart started breaking.

  "And that you're just here to tell us we have a new member to welcome to our family."

  She stared at him in shock.

  And then she threw herself in his arms. "Damen. Damen. Damen." She started sobbing against his chest. She had so many things to say, but in the end, it was just his name that she could utter, just like how it had been before, and she had been a little girl asking for her big brother's help.

  And he had always been there for her.

  Always.

  "Sssh. I know." Damen kissed the top of her head. "And I'm proud of you, baby." His voice turned rough with emotion. "You've got this. We've got this."

  Together

  Marry You by The Acoustikats

  On Diana's flight back to Contini, she did her best to analyze and even (knowingly) over-analyze her feelings, feeling obliged to come up with all the reasons she should forget about the professor.

  How sure am I that I'm not just going back out of pity?

  Do I really understand what I'm getting myself into, what it really means to be in a relationship with someone with HIV?