My Shameful Secret Read online

As the seconds tick by, the silence between us grows heavier with tension, and I begin questioning myself. Was it a really good idea to let him in?

  But it’s already too late to change my mind, isn’t it?

  “Sorry for the mess,” I say jerkily as I let him in my apartment.

  “I don’t mind at all.”

  As Mr. X shuts the door closed, I head to the kitchen and start the coffee machine. The sound of his footsteps reaches me, and with my back to him I ask, “Do you want to have coffee?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Still avoiding his gaze, I gesture to the couch, mumbling, “Do you want to sit there or…” My voice trails off. I’m suddenly struck by the realization of how crazy this whole thing is. We’re acting like we’re nothing but polite strangers to each other, I think hysterically, when in reality he’s just broken my heart.

  A choked sob escapes me.

  A moment later, Mr. X is right in front of me. “Anisia.” His voice is hoarse.

  When he reaches for me, I automatically struggle, crying out, “No!”

  But he easily overpowers me, and I end up in his embrace, his arms wounding around me tightly.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Liar, I think painfully.

  His arms tighten around me as if he’s heard my thoughts, and he repeats his apology doggedly. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”

  I try to shove him away, but he doesn’t let go. “Please.” My voice is thin and dull. “Let me go.”

  “Not until you listen to me.” I feel his hard chest vibrate as he inhales. “That day you bumped into me – I was the one who found your journal on the sidewalk. But by the time I realized the journal I had picked up was yours, you were already gone. I started reading it, and it took only me a few entries to realize…everything in it was about me---”

  “S-stop it!” My cheeks burning with humiliation, I renew my struggles to free myself. “I don’t want to hear anymore!”

  “I know,” Mr. X says bleakly, “but I also know I need you to listen to me.” And without waiting for me to answer, he continues on raggedly, “I knew it would make things unnecessarily awkward between us if you realized I had read your journal so I just had maintenance take it to Lost and Found for me. I was determined to get to know you better. The things you wrote…were adorable.”

  I shake my head wildly. “Those are just lies---”

  “It’s the truth,” he says forcefully. “Your words charmed me, and that’s never happened to me before. For so long women have been nothing but bed companions for me – or merely someone I can take with me to parties when I need a partner. But they’ve never interested me the way you did when I started reading your journal. And none of them had ever understood my work – or even tried to – the way you obviously did.”

  “You make me sound like I’m perfect,” I choke out.

  “Because you are!”

  “Then why hurt me?” I demand brokenly. “You knew how I’d feel---”

  “Because the way you made me feel terrified me!”

  His words stun me into silence, and for a few moments all I can do is stare at him. Have I really heard him correctly?

  “I fell in love with a woman once.” Mr. X’s voice is tight. “A nurse, assigned to my department – and she had me so into her I didn’t realize that she had also been using her relationship with me to authorize sales of prescription drugs to rich junkies---” He breaks off and curses under his breath. “I went berserk when I found out, and after that I’ve never allowed myself to be close to another woman…”

  Mr. X raises his gaze to mine. “Until you.”

  His arms slowly loosen its hold, but I no longer want to move away.

  “Every time I hurt you, it was as if I was unconsciously testing you – or waiting for you to show me your true colors.” He swallows hard. “But in the end, I guess I’m the one who ended showing my true self to you.” His fists clench against his sides. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Anisia.”

  His words are balm to the wounds in my heart, but even so---

  “It’s okay,” I whisper tremulously. “I…I get it now.’

  And I do, but it’s not enough.

  When he reaches for me, I can’t stop myself from flinching, and Mr. X stiffens.

  It’s my turn to apologize, and my voice wobbles as I say, “I’m sorry.”

  Mr. X’s handsome face whitens.

  “I understand so much more now, but I can’t make myself forget so easily. I can’t make myself trust you---”

  “Because you think I don’t see you differently from the rest?” Mr. X asks tautly.

  Ah. I realize right away he’s read the last entry in my journey, and I bite my lip hard, unable to make sense of how I feel about it.

  All I can think of right now is that he knows.

  He knows.

  He knows how much I cared for him.

  Mr. X cups my face, saying quietly, “It’s the only part you were wrong, Anisia. You’ve always been different from the rest, sweetheart. From the very start you were different, and when I read your journal – I realized you were more than that. You weren’t just different. You’re the only one for me.”

  I shake my head, still unable to believe him. “You say that now, but---”

  “Listen.” Releasing my face, he takes my hands in a tight grip, asking roughly, “How long have you been stalking me?”

  “I t-told you,” I mumble. “It wasn’t ever---”

  “Fine then,” he concedes impatiently. “Research. How long have you been researching about me?”

  “A little over a year,” I admit reluctantly.

  “Exactly. I know I hurt you earlier when I told you that researching me didn’t mean you know me, but I was lying. You do know me, sweetheart. I’ve seen it in your writing. You know me inside and out. You understand me.” His grip on my hands tightens. “So now tell me. Look into my eyes and tell me---”

  I feel suddenly afraid, and without thinking I squeeze my eyes shut, I mumble, “No. I don’t want to.” Or rather, I’m terrified to do what he’s asking. I’m terrified…because I already know what I’d see, and I don’t want to risk hurting myself again.

  “I won’t hurt you again, sweetheart. So please just give me one last chance.” I hear him draw a deep breath. “Please look at me.” And in those four words are all the emotions I once dreamt of hearing from my imaginary boyfriend ---

  Everything I once dreamt he would feel for me is in those words.

  Everything.

  Slowly, my eyes drift open, and as soon as our gazes meet, he asks quietly, “What do you see in my eyes, sweetheart?”

  Oh.

  And my own eyes start to smart. I try to speak, but the words won’t come out. I’m just feeling too much.

  “Anisia?”

  In the end, all I can do is raise myself on my toes---

  His eyes widen.

  And then I’m cupping his face and pressing my lips to his.

  For one moment, Mr. X is completely stiff.

  And then he’s kissing me back. Hard. Deeply. Passionately.

  He’s kissing me the way a man can kiss the only woman for him.

  Chapter 8

  “So let me get this straight,” Ginger says the next day over the phone. “You’ve gotten back together last night, but he got called away because of work and you haven’t seen him since then?”

  The sheer incredulity in my friend’s tone has me swallowing back a giggle and I say, “Umm, yup. That’s about it.”

  “Aaaargh.”

  This time, Ginger’s frustration is too much, and I burst out laughing. “It’s not that bad,” I protest.

  “It’s actually that bad,” my friend growls, “but you’re just too nice to think so.”

  “He’s got an important job, Gin,” I explain loyally, “and I’d never want to stand in his way when it comes to work.”

  “Like I said,” Ginger huffs. “You’re too nice.”

  “I am going to see him tonight, though,” I point out. “In fact, I’m actually on my way to his place now.” And it’s true. Despite my vehement protests, Mr. X’s chauffeur was waiting for me outside the hospital when I clocked out, with strict instructions to take me to his employer’s home---

  Which is even more luxurious than I expected, I think to myself a couple of minutes later. Mr. X’s home is the penthouse unit in a high-rise condominium. It’s a two-floor apartment with a live-in housekeeper, a fortyish, cheerful-looking woman who introduces herself as Julie.

  “I’ve been given the day off by Dr. Blackmore,” Julie says hesitantly, “but perhaps if you have need of me---”

  I shake my head hastily. “I can handle myself.” I give the housekeeper a reassuring smile, adding, “Please don’t worry about me.”

  After Julie leaves, I fidget on my feet, wondering what to do. I suppose I could go explore, but somehow it doesn’t feel right when it’s my first time here and Mr. X isn’t around. In the end, I find myself heading towards the dining room, and pulling out one of the chairs, I take a seat and begin writing on my journal.

  * * *

  1848h

  Hello, Mr. X.

  * * *

  A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth at the first line, and I have to put my pen down for a moment because I just feel so giddy. Before leaving me last night, Mr. X had asked me to call him that.

  Mr. X.

  I had blinked at him in bemusement, asking why he’d want me to do so.

  Because it’s kinky, he had whispered. And as my face had burned at his explanation, he had bitten my ear and said, So go ahead and give it a try. Say it out loud, sweetheart.

  The memory sends a sensual shiver down my spine. Mr. X had been completely right, of course.
>
  And Ginger, too, I think ruefully.

  It had felt very kinky, calling him Mr. X out loud---

  “Hello, Ms. X.”

  I spun around in my chair with a gasp, and to my shock I find Mr. X standing right behind me, peering over my shoulder – at the opened pages of my Hobo.

  Oh!

  He chuckles as I hastily snap my journal close.

  “Stop sneaking up on me,” I protest.

  “Never,” he answers right away. “It’s too fun to give up.”

  When he picks me up from the chair, I automatically wrap my arms around his neck, asking, “Where are you taking me?”

  Mr. X smirks. “Where do you think?”

  Oh. “J-just like that?” I ask weakly.

  His eyes gleam as he says in a tone that’s a perfect imitation of my meek voice, “Yes, Anisia. Just like that.”

  “But aren’t you tired from work?”

  A wicked grin slashing his mouth, Mr. X drawls, “Lesson number one, my adorable innocent---”

  I make a face at his words, knowing that adorable is just another word for naïve in this instance.

  “No self-respecting man can ever be too tired to fuck.”

  Oh.

  “And I’ve been wanting to fuck you for a very long time.”

  Ooooh.

  “So be prepared, sweetheart. I intend to fuck you so damn hard, you won’t be able to make it to work tomorrow.”

  My eyes widen.

  “Or maybe for the rest of the week.”

  “Excuse me?” I strange out, torn between shock and laughter.

  “You heard me.” And then he kisses me hard, and I can no longer think. I simply surrender myself to his kiss, knowing that he’d take care of everything. The only time I open my eyes is when he’s laying me on his bed.

  I study my surroundings as he pulls away. He has a beautiful bedroom, I think vaguely. But the thought fades as soon as I see Mr. X undressing himself.

  Oh!

  His body is beautifully hard all over, and I find myself gulping when I once again lay eyes on his massive erection. Knowing that any moment his thick hard cock will be stuffing my pussy has me wetting my lips in a mixture of fear and anticipation---

  I hear Mr. X suck his breath, and my eyes fly to his face.

  “You’re thinking naughty thoughts,” he says gutturally. “Aren’t you?”

  I give him a small nod, and when he starts walking towards me, now completely nude, I can’t help but hold my breath---

  One knee presses down on the bed, and the mattress dips under me.

  Another moment passes, and then he’s looming over me, and his naked body feels so hot I can’t help but writhe---

  “Tell me what you were thinking,” he invites thickly.

  I shake my head.

  “Tell me.”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I mumble, “I was thinking of how big you were…and I was imagining…how it would feel, to have your cock stuff my pussy---”

  He groans, and the sound is so sexual that I can’t help whimpering in response.

  “You’re too fucking adorable,” he mutters against my lips. “How the fuck do you manage to be more adorable every minute?”

  “I’m not…” But the words come out weak and breathless as I feel his fingers rapidly make short work of my clothes. In a blink of an eye, I’m as naked as he is, my clothes joining the rest of his on the carpeted floor.

  A gasp breaks past my lips when Mr. X’s powerful form settles over me. He feels so deliciously heavy. It makes me feel dominated…and I love it.

  When Mr. X’s lips start nibbling mine, I close my eyes and curl my arms around his neck, willingly losing myself into his passion. I moan as his mouth moves down and starts sucking on my neck, and my moans become louder when his lips latch on to my breasts, one nipple at a time.

  His mouth descends further, and I tense when I feel his lips grazing the mound between my legs.

  He starts to pry my thighs open, but I find myself instinctively resisting for some reason.

  “Trust me, sweetheart.” Mr. X’s voice is soft and gentle, and slowly, the tension gripping my limbs fade and I’m able to part my legs willingly under his hands.

  He strokes my folds with three fingers, his movements lazy, and moisture starts to pool between my thighs.

  My head begins to toss against the pillows, and I choke out, “P-please.”

  “Tell me what you want,” Mr. X purrs, “and I’ll give it to you.”

  My hands curling into fists against the silk covers, I gasp, “I w-want more.”

  “My fingers then?”

  I’ve barely finished nodding when I feel Mr. X thrust one finger steadily inside of me, and he doesn’t stop until he’s knuckle-deep.

  And then he starts thrusting his finger in and out, and I whimper.

  It feels so good!

  Soon, another finger goes inside of me, and the feeling of pleasure increases. When he starts shoving his fingers faster and faster, I start to pant, and my body starts to twist restlessly under him.

  A ball of pleasure starts to form inside of me, tightening and tightening, and I cry out, knowing I’m so close---

  Sensing my impending orgasm, Mr. X lowers his head and licks my clitoris, all the while shoving his fingers in and out of me.

  It’s more than enough, and I scream as I come, the strength of my orgasm taking me by surprise. Pleasure seems to pummel me from all sides, and all I can do is just take everything in, panting and gasping, my body arching under him.

  I dimly feel Mr. X moving, his fingers withdrawing from my pussy and his hands coming to grip my thighs.

  My legs once again fall wide open under the pressure of his hold, and when I open my eyes, I see Mr. X gazing down at me, his look possessive.

  “I’m going to make you mine now, Anisia.”

  I can only nod, wanting so very much to be his.

  Positioning himself above me, Mr. X gradually thrusts his cock inside of me, and I feel the folds of my pussy stretching wide open as I take more and more of his erection.

  So this is what it feels like, I think dazedly, to have a cock take over my pussy.

  It does feel like I’m being stuffed, but it also feels like I’m being exposed – in a good way.

  Mr. X pushes deeper, and I bite my lip when I feel something start to tear.

  “Anisia, look at me.”

  Distracted by the command, I raise my gaze to his but before I can say anything Mr. X completes his possession by driving deep, the last inches of his cock disappearing into my pussy.

  Aaaaaah. The cry is wrenched out of me, more from surprise than hurt.

  Mr. X tenses above me. “Does it hurt?” he bites out.

  I swallow hard, saying shakily, “J-just a bit.” My hands curl around his shoulders, and the muscles bunch under my hold.

  Several moments pass, and only when my body starts to soften that Mr. X’s hands delve under my body to clutch the cheeks of my bottom. “I’m going to move now, sweetheart.”

  He starts with slow, careful strokes, giving me time to adjust, but as soon as he feels my hips start to move under him, he increases the speed of his thrusts, faster and faster until I literally have to cling to him lest I get swept off the bed.

  Our bodies begin to rock against each other, hard and wild, and with every thrust I feel like more and more of my sanity is being driven out of my mind, leaving me with nothing but pure sensation.

  My nails start to claw his back, but this only makes Mr. X cover my lips in an exquisitely violent kiss, his tongue driving hard inside my mouth. When I bite his shoulder, Mr. X growls---

  And then he’s rising to his knees, and before I know what he’s planning, he’s flipped me to my stomach, pulled my bottom up in the air---

  “Aaaaah!”

  Mr. X starts fucking me doggie-style, and although the position feels unnatural, it also allows him to shove his cock deeper inside of me, and oh God – does it make me a slut if I say that I love it even more this way?

  He slaps my butt, growling, “I want to hear you scream my name, Anisia.”

  Another slap, and Mr. X grates out, “Tell me how I’m making you feel.”

  A third slap---

  And I cry out, “You make me feel good.”

  “Who,” Mr. X rasps, “is making you feel good?”

  “You,” I choke out even as I wriggle my butt so I can take more of his cock in. “You’re making me feel good, Mr. X. Your cock is making me feel good---”